Never one to leave myself open to failure, disappointment, to being hurt.

today, my heart seems to tug so furiously,
urging me to go after what it is that it so much desires.
To go after you.

    I know that at times, I've said the wrong things, made the wrong decisions, and gave in to the wrong emotions.
I also realize that I have really let you down in the past, but if you would be willing to open your heart up to me, I promise I will do everything I can to make sure that from here on out I'm not the one that hurts you.

You have never been my second choice, Christian.

   I once made the mistake of trying to find a substitute for you, someone who could maybe help me put my feelings for you behind me. I sought someone toward whom my emotions wouldn't leave me so fearful. Even if it meant finding someone to whom I didn't feel nearly as drawn to as you.

Because, I am terrified
of you, of my feelings towards you.

   Even knowing that by surrendering my heart, I am running the risk of being devastated in the end, I want to take the chance.

    I would much rather take the gamble than have to live wondering if things might have worked out if I had just been brave enough  to give more of myself.